When God Opens a Door...Walk Through It

When God opens a door... it's probably a good idea to walk through it. That's the lesson we used over the weekend to decide if we were going to pursue the adoption opportunity that presented itself on Thursday.

By now, many of you know we travelled to NW Arkansas last Friday night and Saturday morning; Nicole from Phoenix and Shea from Philadelphia by way of Chicago and Tulsa- to explore the possibility of adopting a little boy born the week before.

The moment we saw him, I think we both fell in love and just knew that he was meant to be our son. While born 10 weeks premature, he was an amazing sight to hold: Centered in a 300lb computerized isolette, with multiple lead wires to IV pumps and vital monitors and a nasal cannula for oxygen - all 3 lbs 5 oz of him laid there with eyes open and the calmest countenance you could imagine.

We just knew. We loved him and he was ours. We met his parents - both residents of Arkansas who emigrated there from the Marshall Islands. They confirmed what we felt and assured us that they wished to place him for adoption to ensure that he has the best opportunity for a good and secure life. They wanted us to parent him and provide that family.

On June 27, 2013, the State of Arkansas accepted our petition to adopt him and officially ordered his name to be Beckett Charles Stickler. His Hebrew name will be Beryl Chaim, utilizing Shea's father's Hebrew name Beryl and Chaim meaning "Life." Beckett was selected to honor Shea's father, Brian, by utilizing another "B" name and Charles was selected as a middle name to honor Nicole's maternal and paternal grandfathers - each of whom we believe would have loved to meet this charming little soul and tickled to have him as their namesake.


Beckett is a unique name and is one that carries great meaning to our family. An Irish novelist, poet and playwright we adore, Samuel Beckett's works typically are described as bleak or cynical - but closer examination reveals optimism, joy and perseverance. In his 1983 novella WorstwardHo, Beckett wrote, "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."
Those words, among others he penned, rang in our minds throughout this winding, tumultuous journey to add a child to our family. And his journey to a healthy future is going to be marked with tiny gains and setbacks - necessitating a spirit content to try despite the risk of failure. That resiliency he posses is something that we hope to teach him to prize throughout his life.
His name can be a reminder.







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Wishes Can Come True

We all make wishes. We make them on stars, eyelashes, first time visits to a church, and especially on birthdays. Yesterday was my wife's birthday and while she didn't fully disclose the details of her birthday wish when she blew out the candle, I knew what it was. It's the same wish she makes every night - it's the same wish I make too.

Perhaps because we both dread the idea of going down the emotional dark hole again that we found ourselves appending her secret wish. We turned to each other and said "wouldn't it be even better if we got a call after someone gave birth, had already signed the paperwork, and all we have to do is come pick up the baby?"

Well today we got a call from an attorney asking if we would be interested in such an opportunity. Whether you believe in a divine plan, fate, karma or wishes... We now find ourselves with a potential answer to our prayer.

There is still a lot of details to sort through but our hope has been rekindled. We may have the greatest gift ever.

We will provide more details, as we sort through them but please continue to think good thoughts, say prayers, cross your fingers, etc. because this could be our lucky day!

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Facing Facts

A little over a month ago, we shared a moment of amazing joy wrapped in hope and an instance of extreme disappointment punctuated by subsequent reminders of doubt, anger and even fear.

We are constantly reminded that our family is still incomplete.
Reminded by little moments from an empty backseat on a quick trip to the store, an unused nursery, a warm weekend walk past a playground or just the odd silence. Even with two adults and two dogs we have noticed that the house is quieter than it should be.

These to us are facts.

This weekend we had to face the fact that our lives must continue.

I've had to return to Las Vegas for work while my better half had to spend it alone in the house.

Flying into the city I looked out the window scanning below for any sign. As silly as it might sound I was searching for the birth mother and baby. When driving from the airport to the event it was hard not to notice the hospital, hotel and house where he was born, stayed with us and may be living today. The fact that I couldn't pick them out of a crowd hasn't kept me from trying. Even while navigating thousands of tourists on the Strip I was looking.

If it wasn't for the fact that I am married to the most amazing person; facing this trip would be unbearable.

Another fact is the love and support we've received from family, friends and coworkers.

So while the fact that we are again putting ourselves out there for another match; we know it is not about if we will be parents - it is a matter of when. And that is a fact!

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Location:Las Vegas, NV

Continuing Our Journey

A week ago we were ecstatic to share the news that we believed would change our lives forever. And it did.


Seven days ago, we thought our seven year journey had finally begun a new adventure.
And it had.


We witnessed the birth of a beautiful baby boy. And for a few days we fell in love with him. We thought he would be our child and we would be his parents. Alas, it was not meant to be.


We've learned so much about ourselves. We realized how much we could love and how much it can hurt to have a dream taken away again. The struggle to become parents is not behind us.


Yet, we learned how much we are loved by our family and friends. And how grateful we are to have a family made up of you all. Thank you.


While the ache still lingers; we are learning how strong we are as individuals and as a couple. After uncurling from the dark; we reminded each other of our goal... to "Make a Family Tree."


Today is Valentine's Day. When we profess our love for one another and others. And for us, we have decided to put our heart out once more. We have contacted our social worker and reactivated our adoption profile.


Adoption is love and not for the faint of heart. You have to want this bad and be willing to accept some bruises along the journey.


As long as we are together we will navigate the bumps and reach our dream. It is not a matter of "if" we will be parents; it is a matter of "when."

We appreciate all of your love and support as we continue the journey to Make Our Family Tree.


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Baby Of Perseverance

On Feb 6th at 8:11am a brand new baby boy entered the world and our lives. Born 7.6 lbs and 20.5" long with a good head of hair, alert and a great set of lungs. While Nicci was able to be in the room, I was stuck outside listening for his cries. That's how I know he's got pipes.


It was the most amazing moment. We started to share the good news with the world. And everyone joined in this moment.
Even our birth mother seemed happy.


We spent the next three days in her room with who we hoped would be our son. On Saturday she was scheduled to make our dreams come true.


When the nurse asked for a name our birth mother turned to us. Beckett Charles we said - after my Dad and Nicci's grandfathers. Great men.


We saw this moment as the definition of perseverance. Despite so many losses and moments of disappointment in trying to become parents; we've reached the moment of possibility.


While I would like to tell you that the next five days were the happiest of our lives; sadly I cannot.


You see, our birth mother's family had not just been unsupportive or discouraging; they created new scarier roadblocks for her to move forward. They came to the hospital not to love on her or to just congratulate her. They threatened to take her eight year old son and leave her homeless.


Faced with such darkness the only light in the room; one that also gave us hope was baby Beckett. So she began to bond with him.


Oh this was hard, this was painfully hard. He was ours in our hearts but not in our rights. We could only sit by and stare as she fed and caressed him.


We tried to be supportive, helping her get a hotel room downstairs from ours, letting her come up to be with him at all hours, and driving her around town to shelters and such.


Our social workers told us we were doing everything right and are amazing. We just didn't feel it.
Except. Except when we were alone with Beckett. When he was curled up and snuggled into our chest.


On February 6th at 8:11am a brand new baby boy entered the world and our lives.


On February 11th at 1:50pm we found ourselves curled up on the floor holding each other having just handed over our hearts to a social worker. Our birth mother changed her mind.


I write this with aching heart and wishing that I could take the pain away from my wife. She deserves to be a mom. She was amazing even for such a short period of time.


I don't know what to do but to pack up our hotel room, put aside my pain, anger and anguish. I only pray that Beckett felt love from us and will be loved forever.
Samuel Beckett said “All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”


I pray that we will have the strength to try again.


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Hotel to Hallway

Just as we laid our heads down to dream of becoming a family, as that first bit of sleepy dust weighed upon our eyelids - the buzz of a text message, like three cherries in a row at the slots; charging us to awake.


Awoken to new possibilities and a new future, we mustered to attention.


Our birth mom is starting to have contractions. They are far apart and while she insists that we rest and wait; it is hard to sleep - to dream seems passé when reality has shaken us awake.


We showered, dressed and repacked... to be truly ready to go.


We will use the word "ready" so many times. And I'm sure we will use it countless times today. While we may never be fully ready for everything, we welcome the challenge.


Tick-tock we watch the clock.
Again the phone calls us to action. After a few laps around the hotel room we grab our keys and head to the car.


I make the mistake of taking side streets at 2am, it was in my mental route plan, which of course seemed better in theory than practice. It was like walking when we needed to run!


Without a ticket or panic... we arrived at the hospital; our birth mother is already here; she took a cab. She is independent and strong. Strong enough inside to text us through the pain. Amazing.




After a security escort we make it to the maternity ward.





As difficult as this may be for us, we can't possibly presume to understand how hard this moment; these minutes and possible hours will be for our birth mother.


She has invited us in to this moment. This very personal moment to share it with us and help insure that it is ours too.








Understandably, our birth mother wants to preserve some privacy. So I stay in the hallway, just feet from her room; listening for signs. Jumping at every beep and alarm. I inch forward in my seat as I watch nurses and a cart enter her room. Luckily my wife is in there with her.


I'm getting the play-
by-play via text. "The epidural has been administered." In less than two hours she went from 0cm to 7cm dilated. Our birth mom is in a lot of pain.


Oh why did we have to watch those web videos on childbirth - what's going on in there; what can I do to help?


I know she is strong, she is mighty. But I want to help. Reflecting on the moment is all I can do for now.


Outside there are tourists and regulars rolling dice, placing bets, calling, holding and even folding. They are dropping coins into slots and hoping to strike it big. The neon, smoke, cheers and jeers fill the Strip.





Here it is quiet in the hallway. The lights are soft, air is clean and the only bells here announce that a baby is about to be born.


The excitement is in our heads and hearts. The thrill is in who is to come. We aren't relying on luck or chance. Tonight we bet on our birth mother and know it is just a matter of when.


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Winner, Winner Chicken Dinner!

Since we've been waiting in Las Vegas for the last five days we realize you are all waiting with us! And everyone had a different idea about when the Little One would arrive.

My aunt was hoping for Feb. 1 - her birthday
My husband believed that it would be Feb. 7
My sister believed it would be Feb. 8
And I had a feeling that it would be today, February 6th.

And wouldn't you know it? At midnight we heard from N that her contractions had begun and were increasing in length and frequency!

It looks like our little guy may be here today after all! I'm chalking it up to my motherly instincts!!

Stay tuned, today! Updates to follow!


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