Continuing Our Journey

A week ago we were ecstatic to share the news that we believed would change our lives forever. And it did.


Seven days ago, we thought our seven year journey had finally begun a new adventure.
And it had.


We witnessed the birth of a beautiful baby boy. And for a few days we fell in love with him. We thought he would be our child and we would be his parents. Alas, it was not meant to be.


We've learned so much about ourselves. We realized how much we could love and how much it can hurt to have a dream taken away again. The struggle to become parents is not behind us.


Yet, we learned how much we are loved by our family and friends. And how grateful we are to have a family made up of you all. Thank you.


While the ache still lingers; we are learning how strong we are as individuals and as a couple. After uncurling from the dark; we reminded each other of our goal... to "Make a Family Tree."


Today is Valentine's Day. When we profess our love for one another and others. And for us, we have decided to put our heart out once more. We have contacted our social worker and reactivated our adoption profile.


Adoption is love and not for the faint of heart. You have to want this bad and be willing to accept some bruises along the journey.


As long as we are together we will navigate the bumps and reach our dream. It is not a matter of "if" we will be parents; it is a matter of "when."

We appreciate all of your love and support as we continue the journey to Make Our Family Tree.


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Baby Of Perseverance

On Feb 6th at 8:11am a brand new baby boy entered the world and our lives. Born 7.6 lbs and 20.5" long with a good head of hair, alert and a great set of lungs. While Nicci was able to be in the room, I was stuck outside listening for his cries. That's how I know he's got pipes.


It was the most amazing moment. We started to share the good news with the world. And everyone joined in this moment.
Even our birth mother seemed happy.


We spent the next three days in her room with who we hoped would be our son. On Saturday she was scheduled to make our dreams come true.


When the nurse asked for a name our birth mother turned to us. Beckett Charles we said - after my Dad and Nicci's grandfathers. Great men.


We saw this moment as the definition of perseverance. Despite so many losses and moments of disappointment in trying to become parents; we've reached the moment of possibility.


While I would like to tell you that the next five days were the happiest of our lives; sadly I cannot.


You see, our birth mother's family had not just been unsupportive or discouraging; they created new scarier roadblocks for her to move forward. They came to the hospital not to love on her or to just congratulate her. They threatened to take her eight year old son and leave her homeless.


Faced with such darkness the only light in the room; one that also gave us hope was baby Beckett. So she began to bond with him.


Oh this was hard, this was painfully hard. He was ours in our hearts but not in our rights. We could only sit by and stare as she fed and caressed him.


We tried to be supportive, helping her get a hotel room downstairs from ours, letting her come up to be with him at all hours, and driving her around town to shelters and such.


Our social workers told us we were doing everything right and are amazing. We just didn't feel it.
Except. Except when we were alone with Beckett. When he was curled up and snuggled into our chest.


On February 6th at 8:11am a brand new baby boy entered the world and our lives.


On February 11th at 1:50pm we found ourselves curled up on the floor holding each other having just handed over our hearts to a social worker. Our birth mother changed her mind.


I write this with aching heart and wishing that I could take the pain away from my wife. She deserves to be a mom. She was amazing even for such a short period of time.


I don't know what to do but to pack up our hotel room, put aside my pain, anger and anguish. I only pray that Beckett felt love from us and will be loved forever.
Samuel Beckett said “All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”


I pray that we will have the strength to try again.


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Hotel to Hallway

Just as we laid our heads down to dream of becoming a family, as that first bit of sleepy dust weighed upon our eyelids - the buzz of a text message, like three cherries in a row at the slots; charging us to awake.


Awoken to new possibilities and a new future, we mustered to attention.


Our birth mom is starting to have contractions. They are far apart and while she insists that we rest and wait; it is hard to sleep - to dream seems passé when reality has shaken us awake.


We showered, dressed and repacked... to be truly ready to go.


We will use the word "ready" so many times. And I'm sure we will use it countless times today. While we may never be fully ready for everything, we welcome the challenge.


Tick-tock we watch the clock.
Again the phone calls us to action. After a few laps around the hotel room we grab our keys and head to the car.


I make the mistake of taking side streets at 2am, it was in my mental route plan, which of course seemed better in theory than practice. It was like walking when we needed to run!


Without a ticket or panic... we arrived at the hospital; our birth mother is already here; she took a cab. She is independent and strong. Strong enough inside to text us through the pain. Amazing.




After a security escort we make it to the maternity ward.





As difficult as this may be for us, we can't possibly presume to understand how hard this moment; these minutes and possible hours will be for our birth mother.


She has invited us in to this moment. This very personal moment to share it with us and help insure that it is ours too.








Understandably, our birth mother wants to preserve some privacy. So I stay in the hallway, just feet from her room; listening for signs. Jumping at every beep and alarm. I inch forward in my seat as I watch nurses and a cart enter her room. Luckily my wife is in there with her.


I'm getting the play-
by-play via text. "The epidural has been administered." In less than two hours she went from 0cm to 7cm dilated. Our birth mom is in a lot of pain.


Oh why did we have to watch those web videos on childbirth - what's going on in there; what can I do to help?


I know she is strong, she is mighty. But I want to help. Reflecting on the moment is all I can do for now.


Outside there are tourists and regulars rolling dice, placing bets, calling, holding and even folding. They are dropping coins into slots and hoping to strike it big. The neon, smoke, cheers and jeers fill the Strip.





Here it is quiet in the hallway. The lights are soft, air is clean and the only bells here announce that a baby is about to be born.


The excitement is in our heads and hearts. The thrill is in who is to come. We aren't relying on luck or chance. Tonight we bet on our birth mother and know it is just a matter of when.


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Winner, Winner Chicken Dinner!

Since we've been waiting in Las Vegas for the last five days we realize you are all waiting with us! And everyone had a different idea about when the Little One would arrive.

My aunt was hoping for Feb. 1 - her birthday
My husband believed that it would be Feb. 7
My sister believed it would be Feb. 8
And I had a feeling that it would be today, February 6th.

And wouldn't you know it? At midnight we heard from N that her contractions had begun and were increasing in length and frequency!

It looks like our little guy may be here today after all! I'm chalking it up to my motherly instincts!!

Stay tuned, today! Updates to follow!


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We Wait

The nursery is ready, work for both of us has been wrapped up for our absences and we're as close to ready as we're going to get.


Of course, there are a million things we would love to be able to do before the Little One arrives, but we both have come to the realization that all he really needs...we have! And a crib, carseat and cute duds are just icing on the sweetest cake of all!
We received a call last Thursday from our birth mom's social worker while out shopping for the perfect gift to present her that would remind her of the gratitude we feel for her sacrifice. And we learned that N's doctor was considering inducing her as early as the next day. Could we be there for the ultra-sound appointment the next day?


Heck, yeah! We picked up a few things at that store and went to the jewelry store to pick up what we thought was a very appropriate gift. But more about that later!


We rushed home, asked my dad to watch the dogs and stay at our place while we were gone, loaded up the car and were off!


Now, everyone has told us that a baby has more stuff than you can imagine, but you can't comprehend how much stuff we had to pack! You see, ours would be a stay of up to two weeks- out of state and in a hotel. So here's what we brought:


Bassinet with the incline sleeper
Car seat
Stroller
Bouncy/rocking chair thing
Bottles
Pacifiers
First aid kit
1 plush snugly blanket
5 receiving blankets
5 burp cloths
10 onesies
5 socks
2 mittens
4 hats
2 pajamas
2 sleeping gowns
Going home outfit - for leaving hospital
Going home outfit- for going home to Arizona when it's time
Bath gear
Diapers and gear


And then we brought our stuff.


Including our laptops and tablets, my camera and all gear for newborn sessions (yay!)


And here's what all of that looks like in our 7-passenger SUV:




So we made the five hour drive to Las Vegas, checked in to our hotel at 2 am and tried to sleep.


Next morning arrived and we were no worse for the wear. We took N out to lunch and then to her ultrasound appointment.


How exciting! She invited me I. To the exam room to witness it and I couldn't be more grateful. Here's a snapshot if our Little One:




I hope this doesn't mean I'm going to be a terrible mom, but I have no idea what I was looking at... But the doc and tech feel as if all is well and based on what they saw, there's no need to induce.


So for now, we wait!


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Keeping Busy During the Wait

While our initial interaction with the agency about our adoption indicated that the estimated due date was January 27th it may actually be considerably later. I guess the 27th marked the beginning of the 39th week and the OBGYN recently changed the estimated due date to February 8th. So, while we certainly don't have nine months to wait like so many other families have to, we grow antsy with each passing day planning and preparing for the new arrival to our family.


To keep ourselves busy, we both threw ourselves into work; ensuring that all loose ends and projects requiring our attention could be easily handed off to others when the call came. We began collecting the multitude of items a Little One needs: crib, car seat, stroller, clothes, diapers, bath supplies, first aid kit, and the like. Then we dove into the nursery project. We emptied the extra room nearest our bedroom and my dad painted it for us while we were at work.


Walking in the door after a day at work to see the room empty and painted, somehow made the prospect of becoming parents so much more tangible. We didn't select a theme, per se, for the nursery but rather chose to create a space in our home where he will be able to become the person he's meant to be - while being surrounded with images of the people who love him and reminiscent of the places that hold meaning to our family.


Check out our progress:


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