Baby Of Perseverance

On Feb 6th at 8:11am a brand new baby boy entered the world and our lives. Born 7.6 lbs and 20.5" long with a good head of hair, alert and a great set of lungs. While Nicci was able to be in the room, I was stuck outside listening for his cries. That's how I know he's got pipes.


It was the most amazing moment. We started to share the good news with the world. And everyone joined in this moment.
Even our birth mother seemed happy.


We spent the next three days in her room with who we hoped would be our son. On Saturday she was scheduled to make our dreams come true.


When the nurse asked for a name our birth mother turned to us. Beckett Charles we said - after my Dad and Nicci's grandfathers. Great men.


We saw this moment as the definition of perseverance. Despite so many losses and moments of disappointment in trying to become parents; we've reached the moment of possibility.


While I would like to tell you that the next five days were the happiest of our lives; sadly I cannot.


You see, our birth mother's family had not just been unsupportive or discouraging; they created new scarier roadblocks for her to move forward. They came to the hospital not to love on her or to just congratulate her. They threatened to take her eight year old son and leave her homeless.


Faced with such darkness the only light in the room; one that also gave us hope was baby Beckett. So she began to bond with him.


Oh this was hard, this was painfully hard. He was ours in our hearts but not in our rights. We could only sit by and stare as she fed and caressed him.


We tried to be supportive, helping her get a hotel room downstairs from ours, letting her come up to be with him at all hours, and driving her around town to shelters and such.


Our social workers told us we were doing everything right and are amazing. We just didn't feel it.
Except. Except when we were alone with Beckett. When he was curled up and snuggled into our chest.


On February 6th at 8:11am a brand new baby boy entered the world and our lives.


On February 11th at 1:50pm we found ourselves curled up on the floor holding each other having just handed over our hearts to a social worker. Our birth mother changed her mind.


I write this with aching heart and wishing that I could take the pain away from my wife. She deserves to be a mom. She was amazing even for such a short period of time.


I don't know what to do but to pack up our hotel room, put aside my pain, anger and anguish. I only pray that Beckett felt love from us and will be loved forever.
Samuel Beckett said “All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”


I pray that we will have the strength to try again.


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