Have you ever had a big first date?
You prep - choosing the place to meet, making sure you select a place they'll like, mapping out directions so you're not late, and even picking out an outfit (you want to make just the right impression; not too fancy but not average)... you dream up topics of conversation and anecdotes to fill in the moments of uncomfortable silence as you're sure there will be a few.
You go through a thousand thoughts and make mental lists all so that you can make a great first impression so you can get that second date.
Well that's kind of what it is like before meeting our birth mom for the first time. We drove 5+ hrs to get to her home town a day early; not sure why but we just didn't want to be late. That long ride provided far too much time to think. The dark of night that we cut through lures you in to worry.
Never once did we question who she would be or whether we would like her... It was whether she would still want to grace us with the greatest gift to brighten our lives.
As the hours ticked away our anticipation gave way to nervous excitement.
Following her directions we pulled up with cautious optimism and before we could even exhale she was in the car. We were finally in front (literally) of our birth mom. It was not a moment of strangers but rather of friends meeting up to grab a bite to eat.
Like a plucky sidekick her 8-year old son hopped in the car too. There wasn't time enough for that dreaded uncomfortable silence.
He broke the ice and shared everything from his day to his favorite two holidays - Christmas and his Birthday. You can't disagree with those choices.
She may have been nervous too but her little superhero gave her added courage. She was sweet and compassionate. She is small and delicate but you could tell that inside she is strong.
We didn't ask how she became pregnant or why she decided this was right for her; it didn't matter.
She picked us and wanted to look us in the eyes to see if we fit her vision. Her decision wasn't a spur of the moment, she wasn't naive nor was looking for something more than a loving home for her baby. She may be small framed but she is mighty in nature and has a plan.
Dinner was a combination of playing "squiggle" (drawing game) with her son and learning more about each other. She's a Patriots fan and likes to root for the underdog. She's an avid reader of suspense novels and has a career in real estate, although she would like to pursue a degree in criminal justice.
It's funny how one can find little things in common even when on a first date. She grew up in LA and use to go to Santa Monica like I did as a kid and like my mom, raising a son as a single parent. Her favorite memories are ones that include her son. We chatted about our first trips to Disneyland and our favorite rides.
She dreams of travel but is leery of the strange foods, like someone else we know.
After dessert, chocolate cake, which we can assure you has a way of motivating a "full" eight-year-old boy; we drove her home.
But not before she wanted to show us where the hospital is located. Unselfish.
We said goodbye and as we pulled away we wondered to ourselves how it went. Bzz bzz a text message of thank you.
Not sure how we got so lucky.
After so many attempts and moments of disappointment to start a family, in so few words we recognized that we have met the most amazing birth mom.
As we now head home; it is sinking in that we will be back. And not too long from now there will be three of us driving home together.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Sunday, December 16, 2012
The Most Important Blind Date... EVER
Our birth mother, N, has invited us to visit with her before she is scheduled to deliver to get to know one another a bit better. We are so excited to look in her eyes and hug her and learn as much about her as she's willing to share. Of course, we're nervous, too. It is truly like we're going on the most important blind date of our lives!
We want to put her at ease, too.
To show her how much she means to us - and the role we hope she will always play in our lives. She's not had an easy road to travel and we get the impression that any support network she has had throughout various stages of her pregnancy have eroded. Hopefully we make a good impression! Any tips? I'd love to hear them!!
Seriously... comment below.
We're also trying to figure out what we should bring her - I'm thinking a little care package to spoil herself. We know she loves to read so I was thinking of a book and maybe some girly-stuff like lotions and bath stuff. What do you think??
We will make the trek to the Las Vegas-area this Friday following work. Hopefully S will be able to get away from the office a little early to give us an early start on the 5-hour drive. The trip will give us a chance to check out the hospital, find a place where we can stay for a week or two after the birth if all goes smoothly.
The adoption laws require that the birth mother wait 72 hours following birth to terminate parental rights,and then the courts in both states need to certify, share and certify again the change of custody before we are allowed to travel home to Arizona.
So... we've been told to expect to be in Vegas for 7-10 business days after she delivers and terminates rights before we can go home following placement with us.
So... if you know of any place in Vegas that would be a comfortable place to stay for two weeks with a baby... let us know!
We want to put her at ease, too.
To show her how much she means to us - and the role we hope she will always play in our lives. She's not had an easy road to travel and we get the impression that any support network she has had throughout various stages of her pregnancy have eroded. Hopefully we make a good impression! Any tips? I'd love to hear them!!
Seriously... comment below.
We're also trying to figure out what we should bring her - I'm thinking a little care package to spoil herself. We know she loves to read so I was thinking of a book and maybe some girly-stuff like lotions and bath stuff. What do you think??
We will make the trek to the Las Vegas-area this Friday following work. Hopefully S will be able to get away from the office a little early to give us an early start on the 5-hour drive. The trip will give us a chance to check out the hospital, find a place where we can stay for a week or two after the birth if all goes smoothly.
The adoption laws require that the birth mother wait 72 hours following birth to terminate parental rights,and then the courts in both states need to certify, share and certify again the change of custody before we are allowed to travel home to Arizona.
So... we've been told to expect to be in Vegas for 7-10 business days after she delivers and terminates rights before we can go home following placement with us.
So... if you know of any place in Vegas that would be a comfortable place to stay for two weeks with a baby... let us know!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Our First Conversation with Expectant Mother
Today we had our first telephone conversation with the amazing woman who selected us to parent her child. What an extraordinary experience!
I was so nervous and excited I didn't sleep a wink last night - S was traveling for work and let me know he only got a little sleep for the same reason. We tried to rehearse who would say what and which one of us would ask which of our pre-planned questions to make sure that it went smoothly. All of that went right out the window when the time came; of course!
Her social worker called at the designated time and I had come home from work to take the call from the privacy of our house. She conferenced S onto the line and linked our call to "N" (out of respect for her privacy we are refraining from sharing her name and will refer to her only by her first initial). We jumped right in, addressing her by name, thanking her for doing the call and asked how she was feeling. She was so gracious; so sweet - very quiet - and explained that she, too, was very nervous about the call.
Her admission made us chuckle, put us at ease and opened the door to explain that we were, too. She began by explaining why she chose us among the profiles she saw - she was drawn to our commitment to our family and felt that we had wanted to begin our own family for so long that surely we would love and care for the baby. That brought me to tears. It's certainly the message we wanted to convey - but it was so surreal to hear her say that's what she saw in us. Amazing how someone who has never met you, can see you.
We learned a lot more about her:
1. Her family does not support her decision and she's very much alone in the adoption;
2. She has a beautiful little boy who is 8 years old who loves building things and math class;
3. She loves watching football and never misses her favorite team's games . . . Who is her favorite team you ask? ..... wait for it . . . the Patriots, of course.
She'll fit in fine in our family as my Boston-reared husband has a single firm rule in the house: no cheering for anyone other than the Red Sox, Bruins, Celtics or Pats.
4. She loves reading anything she can get her hands on, including historical fiction and biographies. History is her favorite subject as was mine. She'd like to finish her degree and pursue a law degree;
5. She is extraordinarily empathetic: so conscientious about referring to us as the baby's parents, explaining that this baby may likely share the sweet temperament of her older child and inviting us to be in the delivery room to share that moment! I cannot imagine that I could possibly be so gracious and focused on other people had our roles been reversed.
She's simply extraordinary and we could not be more pleased with who she is and the heart she possesses.
Next: We wait! We exchanged email addresses and agreed to set up a date to go visit her before the delivery.
More tomorrow! Tonight we'll sleep!
I was so nervous and excited I didn't sleep a wink last night - S was traveling for work and let me know he only got a little sleep for the same reason. We tried to rehearse who would say what and which one of us would ask which of our pre-planned questions to make sure that it went smoothly. All of that went right out the window when the time came; of course!
Her social worker called at the designated time and I had come home from work to take the call from the privacy of our house. She conferenced S onto the line and linked our call to "N" (out of respect for her privacy we are refraining from sharing her name and will refer to her only by her first initial). We jumped right in, addressing her by name, thanking her for doing the call and asked how she was feeling. She was so gracious; so sweet - very quiet - and explained that she, too, was very nervous about the call.
Her admission made us chuckle, put us at ease and opened the door to explain that we were, too. She began by explaining why she chose us among the profiles she saw - she was drawn to our commitment to our family and felt that we had wanted to begin our own family for so long that surely we would love and care for the baby. That brought me to tears. It's certainly the message we wanted to convey - but it was so surreal to hear her say that's what she saw in us. Amazing how someone who has never met you, can see you.
We learned a lot more about her:
1. Her family does not support her decision and she's very much alone in the adoption;
2. She has a beautiful little boy who is 8 years old who loves building things and math class;
3. She loves watching football and never misses her favorite team's games . . . Who is her favorite team you ask? ..... wait for it . . . the Patriots, of course.
She'll fit in fine in our family as my Boston-reared husband has a single firm rule in the house: no cheering for anyone other than the Red Sox, Bruins, Celtics or Pats.
4. She loves reading anything she can get her hands on, including historical fiction and biographies. History is her favorite subject as was mine. She'd like to finish her degree and pursue a law degree;
5. She is extraordinarily empathetic: so conscientious about referring to us as the baby's parents, explaining that this baby may likely share the sweet temperament of her older child and inviting us to be in the delivery room to share that moment! I cannot imagine that I could possibly be so gracious and focused on other people had our roles been reversed.
She's simply extraordinary and we could not be more pleased with who she is and the heart she possesses.
Next: We wait! We exchanged email addresses and agreed to set up a date to go visit her before the delivery.
More tomorrow! Tonight we'll sleep!
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
The News We've Wanted to Break
We got the call! A birth mother has selected us. We're in a match! And if all goes well (we pray that it does!) we will be parents to a baby boy at the end of January.
Seven weeks!
The call came last Tuesday afternoon, and we've been spending the last week trying to manage our own expectations, ascertain whether it's okay to be excited or not.
We've struggled with how we feel: elation to be sure, but mixed equally with trepidation that this happiness won't last - that the worst-case scenario of the adoption falling through is somehow inevitable. Rationally, of course, we know it's not. But the odds aren't comfort enough for us. After all, through seven years of trying to start our family, we've been the tiny minority that has experienced every downside of fertility treatments and miscarriages.
But at the end of the day (or the week as it may), we've decided to revel in the happiness we feel.
The only thing we can control in this process is how we choose to react to this news and we want to be able to tell our son (amazing to write that) the story of how we celebrated the news of his arrival with our family and friends.
I don't know what else to write, other than to ask that you keep her and her baby in your prayers. She has already demonstrated such strength for pursuing adoption for her child; please pray to bring her the peace she will certainly need to continue to move forward.
And, just as importantly, we want to say "Thank You." Thank you for your continued support of us over the last several years as we navigated our hope and disappointment in our journey to becoming parents.
Up next: The Conference Call
Tomorrow morning we "meet" the woman who picked us over a conference call. Tune in tomorrow night for an update on how it went.
Seven weeks!
The call came last Tuesday afternoon, and we've been spending the last week trying to manage our own expectations, ascertain whether it's okay to be excited or not.
We've struggled with how we feel: elation to be sure, but mixed equally with trepidation that this happiness won't last - that the worst-case scenario of the adoption falling through is somehow inevitable. Rationally, of course, we know it's not. But the odds aren't comfort enough for us. After all, through seven years of trying to start our family, we've been the tiny minority that has experienced every downside of fertility treatments and miscarriages.
But at the end of the day (or the week as it may), we've decided to revel in the happiness we feel.
The only thing we can control in this process is how we choose to react to this news and we want to be able to tell our son (amazing to write that) the story of how we celebrated the news of his arrival with our family and friends.
I don't know what else to write, other than to ask that you keep her and her baby in your prayers. She has already demonstrated such strength for pursuing adoption for her child; please pray to bring her the peace she will certainly need to continue to move forward.
And, just as importantly, we want to say "Thank You." Thank you for your continued support of us over the last several years as we navigated our hope and disappointment in our journey to becoming parents.
Up next: The Conference Call
Tomorrow morning we "meet" the woman who picked us over a conference call. Tune in tomorrow night for an update on how it went.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Open Adoption
Remember when adoption used to be something that wasn't discussed? Was a taboo topic for children? Some families didn't discuss the fact that a child was adopted and in many cases didn't know a thing about the birth parents because the child came from an orphanage.
Well, times have mercifully changed! We are pursuing an open adoption through American Adoptions. (That's the agency we selected after an extensive search, including visits to CA and KS, for what felt right.) That means that we will have the opportunity to develop a relationship with the birth parents before, during and after the placement of their child with us.
Of course, all parties have to agree to the commitment for contact.
"So how does it work?" you ask.
All agencies require the completion of a home study which is a process in which the adoptive family's background and home are inspected by a licensed social worker in their community.
They review their finances, their employment, their home's safety and cleanliness (thank God they don't inspect your organizational skills!), interview the couple and seek references for their characters. The social worker's report is called a home study and it is submitted to the court in the adoptive family's jurisdiction.
The adoption agency works with home study-ready couples to create a profile that reflects a snapshot of your lives, produces a video about them, and markets their profile to prospective birth parents considering adoption.
Our agency works nationally to match families, making their average wait time a bit shorter than smaller, local agencies that match within a single community.
So the "average" wait time is about 3-9 months after activation to be matched and 1-3 months after a match for placement. Of course, every situation is unique... some people wait years to be matched and others wait weeks. It's just a matter of luck, timing and prayer that their birth mother finds them.
"Matched" is when the adoptive family is selected by a birth mother - picked as the family with whom she wishes to place her child. "Placement" is the point after birth when the birth mother relinquishes her parental rights and custody is granted to the adoptive parents.
So we became activated on September 17th. . . . and the clock began ticking!
Well, times have mercifully changed! We are pursuing an open adoption through American Adoptions. (That's the agency we selected after an extensive search, including visits to CA and KS, for what felt right.) That means that we will have the opportunity to develop a relationship with the birth parents before, during and after the placement of their child with us.
Of course, all parties have to agree to the commitment for contact.
"So how does it work?" you ask.
All agencies require the completion of a home study which is a process in which the adoptive family's background and home are inspected by a licensed social worker in their community.
They review their finances, their employment, their home's safety and cleanliness (thank God they don't inspect your organizational skills!), interview the couple and seek references for their characters. The social worker's report is called a home study and it is submitted to the court in the adoptive family's jurisdiction.
The adoption agency works with home study-ready couples to create a profile that reflects a snapshot of your lives, produces a video about them, and markets their profile to prospective birth parents considering adoption.
Our agency works nationally to match families, making their average wait time a bit shorter than smaller, local agencies that match within a single community.
So the "average" wait time is about 3-9 months after activation to be matched and 1-3 months after a match for placement. Of course, every situation is unique... some people wait years to be matched and others wait weeks. It's just a matter of luck, timing and prayer that their birth mother finds them.
"Matched" is when the adoptive family is selected by a birth mother - picked as the family with whom she wishes to place her child. "Placement" is the point after birth when the birth mother relinquishes her parental rights and custody is granted to the adoptive parents.
So we became activated on September 17th. . . . and the clock began ticking!
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